Trials and Error

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" - James 1:2-4

This is a hard concept for me to grasp. I have always struggled with finding joy in my suffering. Unfortunately, my response to trials and suffering is to cry to my closest friends, then maybe write an angry journal entry to God complaining about how unfair my life  is and how hard He is making it for me. In fact, I am usually really good at finding reasons to not be joyful;I go back to how I have been hurt in the past, I fall into doubt and insecurity, and I begin to pick out every reason in my life why God does not want me to be happy.

The ironic thing is that I know how wrong these things are. I am so full of head knowledge; I can spout all the right answers and even give advice to people who are dealing with the same thing I am, but for some reason I cannot make it stick. I feel like I am in a never ending rut of doubt, mistrust, denial, confusion, chaos, and insecurity. I know that I have the hand of Christ reaching out to me to get out of this rut, but I make very little effort to actually grab his hand.  Its a funny place to be (but not the haha kind of funny, funny like ironic and a little stupid kinda funny). This blatant disregard and apathetic response to God's rescue not only disgusted me, but it frustrated me. I know exactly what my problem is and I know the solution, but I choose to just sit and wallow in my self pity. I get frustrated that I am foolish, I get frustrated that I am struggling, I get frustrated on the fact that I am not ok. This frustration, as well as my anger, fluctuates between me and God.

Through the many trials and difficulties that I have had in the past several months however, God has showed me many things and I have grown a lot in maturity and wisdom. But it is still so easy for me to get caught up in all the crap that is in my life and on how miserable I feel.  I think I have cried more these past 5 months then I have in my entire lifetime. (I say that not to get sympathy, but just to be honest). 

Ok, so now that I have gotten really sad and probably damped your mood a bit (sorry) I will give you the good news. I am not perfect. Yup thats the good news. God understands this and does not expect me to be. It is only myself that puts those standards on me. The only thing that He expects me to do is run to Him, love Him and serve Him. Now all I need to do is figure out how to make this my daily priority. But how?

I need to put the kind of importance on God that I put on friends, school, goals, TV, or anything else. If I can make this a habit, and begin to turn to God first and spend more time with Him, then everything else will fall into place. This is going to be a journey, but one that I need to take. I need to stop crying and start praying. I need to get out of my hole and get on the road. I need to let go of everything else that I am holding  and grab on to my Saviors hand and hold it tightly. That is the only way that I will ever get out of my little rut and finally be filled with the peace and joy of Christ Jesus.

BB

Spiritual Sprinter

I taught in Sunday school this week about determination. Our memory verse for that week was Jeremiah 12:1 "Let us keep running the race marked out for us". This is a verse that I had heard many times.It came to a point where comparing life to a race had become just another cliché. But as I began to talk last night with one of my friends about what I was struggling with, the only metaphor that I could use was one of a runner and a race.


I ran track for one season in 7th grade. My main event was the 100 meter hurdles (mostly because that was the ONLY event I could do). I told the coach my first day of practice that I was a sprinter, I was incapable of running the distance. However, on at one particular meet coach decided to "expand my skills" and put me in the 4x400 . This is an event where there are 4 members and each one has to run 1 lap and then pass the baton. Although 1 lap is really not that great of a distance, when you are used to only running a fourth of that, it can seem like a huge distance. I was the first leg of the relay and held a solid last place for my whole lap.When I got to the last 100 meters, I was slightly motivated because this was a distance I was used to. I began to pick up speed, getting almost to a full sprint. Just a few feet from the finish line, I began to feel the effects of this last attempt to gain some ground. Me legs were burning, I had a cramp and I was breathing really heavy. What was a sprint, turned into a jog and eventually a speed walk across the finish line. I handed the baton to my partner, who was visibly upset with me, then went straight to the grass beside the track to lay down. I must have stayed there for a good five minutes, until I felt all the pain in my body fade away. Then I jumped up with a new energy and watched all my teammates get their awards.


This anecdote reveals a lot about me. One, I suck at track.  Two, as soon as  things get hard I give up. The irony of this realization is that I was teaching my Sunday school class that they needed to do the opposite. Our main point was that "even when things get hard, we need to keep going". 


As I was talking to my friend last night I realized that I am the same spiritually as I was physically that day at the track meet. I do a really good job of running and doing the things that God called me to do. Then as soon as I feel the slightest pain or things seem to hard, I stop running and rest. It is during these times of rest that Satan choses to remind me of all my insecurities and worries. I get overwhelmed with jealousy, sadness, and lack of confidence. But instead of fighting these thoughts off (like I can when I am running towards God), I choose to let them consume my life because I am too tired. I choose to justify them and accept their truth, just cause it is easier than having to stand up against them. I get spiritually lazy and tired. 


Much like running a track, you build more endurance the longer you run. It takes time, but eventually you are able to run more an more with less and less difficulty. But if you never build up that endurance, then every time you run, it is hard. It is the same thing spiritually. If you run towards God, follow his ways, fight off temptation, and make a habit of talking to him, then you can build up your spiritual endurance, so that as soon as you feel that cramp, you have the strength and experience to know that you just have to run through it. However, if you are only a spiritual sprinter, then as soon as your short distance is over, you stop and wait for the next little burst. When I used to run track, we used to have to run a mile and a half for warm up. Every practice I would ask the coach why I had to run such long distances of I was a sprinter. His response was the same every time: "You need to be more than a  sprinter, you need to be a runner. In order to do this, you need to run". This same phrase can apply to me spiritually as well. I do not need to be a spiritual sprinter, I need to be a spiritual cross-country star. I need to keep running even when the terrain gets difficult or my legs hurt of I get a cramp. God called me to have the determination to continue on the path that he has for me, and I cant be on that path if I am too bust laying in the grass beside the path waiting for things to get better...


BB

Good Mourning

Today I actually attended "big church" instead of working in children's ministry. (This is the first time I have done this in like 6 months). Pastor Jesse was speaking on the beatitudes, specifically Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." This is a verse that I have read several times and have heard several sermons on, so I didn't expect to gain much insight from this message, but boy was I wrong. 


Before today, when I heard the word "mourn" I just thought of people being really sad about someone dying. But when I read the verse on my own, I substituted the word "mourn" for the word "sad" (or "are sad"). When I put it in that context, this verse was very encouraging to me. It meant that every time I was sad, that God would comfort me. This was a good thing, because as many of you know I am kind of a cry baby. These past few months have been especially difficult for me and full of mourning. I mourned the loss of my boyfriend and the future I thought we had. I mourned losing my job and the security that came with it. I mourned the fact that my best friend didn't want to date me. I was almost always sad about something. This is where my frustration came in. I was sad all the time, but rarely felt God's comfort. This was because A) I was not turning to him to comfort me, I just expected Him to make me feel better and B) I was not mourning the right things.


Today I learned that when this verse talks about mourning it is talking about mourning our sins. It meant becoming aware of our sin and being sad about it. Now this is not exactly the easiest or most fun thing to do, but I learned today that it is so important. The reason why is because if we don't become aware of our specific sin and we begin to hide behind the line "I'm not perfect, but neither is anyone else" then we begin to justify and become ok with our sin. The more we do this then the less significant Christ's sacrifice becomes. If we don't mourn our sins (and the sins of others) then we are basically saying " What I do isn't really that bad". Once we fall into this mind set then we begin to minimize God's love and salvation.


I never really thought that way before. I realize now that it is so silly of me to mourn the things God has planned for me, when I should be concerned about mourning my sin and getting right with God and having a  deeper appreciation of his amazing sacrifice. Now I'm not saying that you should never be sad, what I am saying is that we need to keep things in perspective. We need to realize our specific sin and remember that we are not that great, but that we serve a God who is. That is the comfort that the verse is talking about. We will seek comfort in the fact that even though we mess up all the time and deserve death, God has already taken care of that and  selflessly put Himself in our place. I can't think of anything more comforting than that.


BB