This is a hard concept for me to grasp. I have always struggled with finding joy in my suffering. Unfortunately, my response to trials and suffering is to cry to my closest friends, then maybe write an angry journal entry to God complaining about how unfair my life is and how hard He is making it for me. In fact, I am usually really good at finding reasons to not be joyful;I go back to how I have been hurt in the past, I fall into doubt and insecurity, and I begin to pick out every reason in my life why God does not want me to be happy.
The ironic thing is that I know how wrong these things are. I am so full of head knowledge; I can spout all the right answers and even give advice to people who are dealing with the same thing I am, but for some reason I cannot make it stick. I feel like I am in a never ending rut of doubt, mistrust, denial, confusion, chaos, and insecurity. I know that I have the hand of Christ reaching out to me to get out of this rut, but I make very little effort to actually grab his hand. Its a funny place to be (but not the haha kind of funny, funny like ironic and a little stupid kinda funny). This blatant disregard and apathetic response to God's rescue not only disgusted me, but it frustrated me. I know exactly what my problem is and I know the solution, but I choose to just sit and wallow in my self pity. I get frustrated that I am foolish, I get frustrated that I am struggling, I get frustrated on the fact that I am not ok. This frustration, as well as my anger, fluctuates between me and God.
Through the many trials and difficulties that I have had in the past several months however, God has showed me many things and I have grown a lot in maturity and wisdom. But it is still so easy for me to get caught up in all the crap that is in my life and on how miserable I feel. I think I have cried more these past 5 months then I have in my entire lifetime. (I say that not to get sympathy, but just to be honest).
Ok, so now that I have gotten really sad and probably damped your mood a bit (sorry) I will give you the good news. I am not perfect. Yup thats the good news. God understands this and does not expect me to be. It is only myself that puts those standards on me. The only thing that He expects me to do is run to Him, love Him and serve Him. Now all I need to do is figure out how to make this my daily priority. But how?
I need to put the kind of importance on God that I put on friends, school, goals, TV, or anything else. If I can make this a habit, and begin to turn to God first and spend more time with Him, then everything else will fall into place. This is going to be a journey, but one that I need to take. I need to stop crying and start praying. I need to get out of my hole and get on the road. I need to let go of everything else that I am holding and grab on to my Saviors hand and hold it tightly. That is the only way that I will ever get out of my little rut and finally be filled with the peace and joy of Christ Jesus.
BB
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